Crap Crap Crap

and more crap.

I kinda thought things were going ok… in my head.

It wasn’t as fuzzy and buzzy as it had been in the past so I thought my combo of meds must be working.

But!… I’m still having major anxiety issues and a meltdown in late December that had a number of people very concerned about me – people that don’t know about my ‘condition’.

I can feel myself slipping down again.

Result – a change in meds.

It’s not helping that the one I’m coming off is for controlling my mood and depression.

I’m freaking out about starting a new med as you never know how you’ll react to it….or how you’ll react coming off the old one.

Coming off Zoloft nearly killed me.

I’ve started decreasing my dose and I’m already feeling the effects.

This is not fun.

I’m tired.

I don’t want to do anything.

I really cannot see any end to this mess in my head.

I am losing my memory. I’m getting told every day how bad it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I am or that they just can’t remember if they told me something or not. Are they deliberately making me feel like I’m going mad?

I don’t know what to believe.

Will I ever be normal?… what is normal?

Anyway I must get back to putting a smile on my face and pretend everything is fine. For their sake.

Sam x

Pizza saved my life

I hit the lowest of lows then pizza saved my life.

It was a few weeks ago now. I was on the dreaded Zoloft for over a year and although I came off it very slowly it still messed me up. I had this weird head thing happening where it felt like it was constantly being shaken. I was extremely sensitive to light, sound, touch. Nothing seemed to be going right. I’d had enough. I saw no way out. It was worse than any episodes I’d ever had. I didn’t want to ‘bother anyone’ with my problems.

It was the first time I had cried in over 12 months. Boy did I cry! DH and Grace were downstairs, I was in the shower….washing away my tears. It became so uncontrollable, so surreal. It was like I was having an out of body experience and that’s when it got scary. I had no control of what that body wanted to do. Just when that body was tossing up between pills or razor there was a knock at the door. I was suddenly snapped back into my body. Grace came in, asking for my password to order a pizza.

Normally a mother would be annoyed at any disturbance to the peace a bathroom can bring.

I will be forever grateful.

ps I did take the first appointment available and was put on a new plan to combat this. Today is the first day I’ve been into the office in 4 weeks.

I’m doing OK

Over the last few weeks I’ve very slowly weaned myself off Zoloft. It’s now been 4 days, and while there might still be some traces in my system, I’m happy to report that, well, I’m happy (today). I’ve got So much more energy and I’m getting things done as you can see  here and here and here and that’s not including all the other things I’ve been doing behind the scenes.

I’m still not sleeping 100% with some bizarre dreams (with alien lizard creatures creating a world hierarchy from scratch) and hot flushes in the middle of the night. But I have not had many anxiety attacks, and the pain hasn’t been too bad when I have had them. I don’t feel as foggy and numb as I did before, which I love. I almost feel normal!

I have had my down days, especially when I found out some details about DH’s health… that was not a good day to cut back I can tell you! I have been a bit snappy and ranty. I have noticed my fear of stepping outside is increasing, and DH keeps hassling me to get out of the house. I even found it hard to attend a family function which has never been an issue before. I have noticed when I’m down, I spend, and I’m currently expecting a few parcels… oops.

Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of Dad’s passing. (DH can’t understand why you would want to remember such a day). I did not cry. I was not upset. I do miss him. I always will. The whole “event” was horrible and I’ll never fully understand what went wrong. But so much has happened, especially in the last year, that I’ve reached a calm acceptance of sorts. We’ll see how I go on the 21st … Dad’s birthday.

Anyway I’m back for a check up next week. I’m sure there will be some more changes to my meds. Dr didn’t want me to go off the Zoloft yet but I told him I had to. And I can tell you that I’m so glad I did!